panic

I had a bad day on monday
if you must know
I had a panic attack
do you know the feeling?

everything caves inside yourself
the weight becomes unbearable
you can’t speak or think
like you normally do

you seek a place of refuge
behind the wheel of a car
crouched in the shower
you let the tears flood

you’re reaching for air
that’s just out of your grasp
raw eyes, red face, swollen, sweaty
your switch flipped

I need coffee
I need ocean
I need him

I numbly wander through the hours
to find me
caffeinated
on the concrete steps of the foreshore

I struggle with the temptation
of confining in him
he’s just a distraction
from fighting the fight myself

I feel the pain
and let it be there
this is just another phase
to becoming a better me

because I know now
alone
doesn’t mean lonely