november 13, 2020

fucking dear kaylee,

it’s not relationships, cities, weather, loneliness, or candida overgrowth that’s restricting you

it’s me,
I’m strangling your potential

last night you were mid-strangle, I could see you fighting, trying to figure out “why am I feeling this way? what is going on in my life that would possibly make me feel strangled?”

but you never thought of getting strangled by your own mind

all my love,

april 21, 2018

dear kaylee,

I’ve realized something

we can have bad relationships
with words and phrases
just as we do
people and addictions

one word
I’ve always had
a bad relationship with
is ‘comparison’

in today’s day to day
comparison of one another is ever-present
with the aid of social media, advertising
and even our education system

we are put up against one another
to be judged on who’s smarter
who’s prettier
and who’s got a higher follower count

but comparison can be healthy
comparison is a useful tool for personal growth

today I compared my 2km run to my 0km run yesterday
today I compared my current priorities to the ones I had 12 months ago
today I compared my upcoming solo travel to being controlled by a job 18 months ago

I’m going to end this with a quote I read this morning

“the secret to a peaceful world is in the transformation of the individual; we do not need to love perfectly or be fully healed, we just need a critical mass of people who understand that to harm another is to harm oneself”
– yang pueblo

all my love,

march 21, 2018

dear kaylee,

it’s 11:16pm and I’m now 21

the day’s activities have included
an 11 hour split shift
getting stuck in traffic for ed sheeran’s concert… twice
and going to bed alone on my birthday

on any other day, these events would contribute to an average day, right!?

but because it’s my birthday
I’m expecting everything to just fall into place
to be filled with bloody rainbows and unicorns
in fact, I’ve been telling people all day
that to me, it’s just another day

yet, as I was driving home from work
in very slow moving traffic
I was thinking about
how I haven’t received one gift today

I was thinking about arriving home
to a house that’s silent and asleep
I was sad and frustrated with myself

once I pulled into the driveway
I saw the light under the house was on
I step through the gate to find a rainbow piñata
sitting in the middle of the concrete floor
it’s labeled with
a speech-bubble-shaped-card titled “HOLA!”

dear kaylee,
we hope you’ve had an amazing 21st birthday!
love tyler, ryan, and matt

I sat on the floor and sobbed a little
no matter how you feel about birthdays
they’re a forced day of reflection
and unfortunately sometimes comparison

they’re a day that represents
your birth as a physical being
a day of importance
no matter what

today I watched the sun rise from behind the clouds
I danced like no one’s watching
I smoked a single cigarette in the pouring rain
I drank an espresso martini on my night shift
I received so many kind words from loved ones
then I ended my day with a beautiful rainbow piñata filled with goodies

I think I’ll name him marcus

buenas noches amigos
I have work at 7am tomorrow

all my love,

february 10, 2018

dear kaylee,

last night
I put my head on the pillow
with full intentions of attending a photo gallery opening
the next day, at 10am

today, 10am comes around, I’ve slept well
I’ve eaten breakfast and made my bed
I’m feeling renewed and prepared to wander the streets of new farm
after surrounding myself with some kick-ass photography

instead, I find myself invited for coffee
with my dear friend and his gorgeous little boy
we stroll to the local cafe down the road
basking in the morning sun rays
and listening to planes fly overhead

an intention I set for myself recently
is to infuse more and more play into my everyday
I want to stop taking life so seriously
but still be taken seriously

if seriously means not doing things that make my inner child happy
if seriously means dulling down my creativity
if seriously means sacrificing my curiosity
I’m not interested

so this morning
with 10am long gone
I’m invited by a curious little seven year old
to play with his lego on his bedroom floor

I follow him and ask
“what do you want me to make?!”

his heart-warming reply
“I want you to make whatever you want to!”

so I sit down
on the damn bedroom floor
and I engage my inner child
to create whatever I want to create

I’m submitting to life a little more
going with the flow
circulating my energy

how are you?

all my love,

february 3, 2018

dear kaylee,

I’m sitting in a bright, open sun-room
that’s lined with walls of louvered windows
it’s 2:06pm and the sun is reflecting off the glass
and creating small rainbows all over the grey, tiled floor

the house is an old queenslander
full of character in a suburb of brisbane
inside lives a wonderful human
who I met through a friend just over a week ago

now kaylee
I realize it’s been a while since we talked
time flies when you’re having fun, right?!
and trust me I’ve been having plenty

I’ve frolicked around a sugar cane plantation at 6 o’clock in the morning
embarked on 15 kilometre return walk to lake mackenzie at dusk
watched the sunset over hammerstone sandblow after collecting fulgurite
swam in eli creek by the moonlight
wandered through sunflower fields in toowoomba
flown over stradbroke island in a two-seater plane
celebrated music by dancing the night away in fortitude valley
sat atop kangaroo point cliffs following a night of no sleep
admired the lights of brisbane city on story bridge
walked along woody point esplanade with a beer in one hand and six-pack in the other
received four raw cake slices from charlie’s raw squeeze for the price of two
received a $90 parking fine in milton
felt at home amongst the west end market stalls
and I’ve just finished up making a batch of dough for tonight’s pizza party

these experiences involved a connection with nature and like-minded people
they involved open minds and open hearts
they involved freedom, adventure, and learning
they involved coming back to a space I could call my own
an overwhelming feeling of ‘home, sweet home’

I’m eight days into ‘living on the road’
and I can’t remember the last time
I felt this content, this happy

kaylee, what does happy look like to you?

all my love,

january 9, 2018

dear kaylee,

I’m sitting in the middle of a shopping centre food court
with four sushi rolls and an iced long black
I’m wearing a white camisole which starkly contrasts my sun-kissed skin
behind me, children scream from the heights of the primary coloured playground
this would usually send me running for the hills
today, I welcome the playful, messy chaos
as it’s similar to the inner workings of my mind

I’m vibrating with a sudden renewed energy
as told in my previous entry
my recent confrontation with my emotional blockages
has cleared the way for my set intentions

“2018 will be the year of vulnerability, learning, collaboration, failure, and mindfulness” 

as the caffeine sends my mind into a frenzy of backflips
I document this moment as a high in my life
I’m embracing the reality of life’s different phases
like the moon that moves around and around the earth
the roller coaster that is our life
sends us up and down, side to side, up and down

all my love,