panic

I had a bad day on monday
if you must know
I had a panic attack
do you know the feeling?

everything caves inside yourself
the weight becomes unbearable
you can’t speak or think
like you normally do

you seek a place of refuge
behind the wheel of a car
crouched in the shower
you let the tears flood

you’re reaching for air
that’s just out of your grasp
raw eyes, red face, swollen, sweaty
your switch flipped

I need coffee
I need ocean
I need him

I numbly wander through the hours
to find me
caffeinated
on the concrete steps of the foreshore

I struggle with the temptation
of confining in him
he’s just a distraction
from fighting the fight myself

I feel the pain
and let it be there
this is just another phase
to becoming a better me

because I know now
alone
doesn’t mean lonely

try

I’m next to you
probably too much
all that trying
altered to hurt

breaking stones
knotting roots
ruthless habits
my temple ignored

real
transparent
honest
woman

hidden
behind
illusions
lies

you are too young
to be this stressed
just relax
little one

if it was that simple
like the flick of a switch
would you see me here
numb to the bone?

are these lies for me too?
I need to untangle my crown

gypsy

as her fingers thawed
in the first crack of sunlight
she couldn’t imagine
being anywhere else but here

planning her route was futile
her burning soul always led her astray
north, south, east, west
there was no right or wrong way

all her belongings
in the van from 1992
life is pumping through her veins
in the simplest way

the day warming her heart
and the night kissing her skin
she’s 93% stardust
with a soul made of flames

liability

baby
you really hurt me
I know you’re fine without me
in fact
better than ever
aren’t you?

so I guess I’ll go “home”
to the room called mine
it feels so juvenile
I am empty

I left a piece of myself
in the coolest little capital
another life left behind
what is home?

I’m so hard to please
I try my best
I know you’re right
I’ll do better on my own

I’m not regretful
I’m just dumbfounded
that my love was as thick as the morning fog
so dense
I couldn’t see through it

I realize now
you were a source of therapy
twenty-four months
maybe I helped you too

although
I understand baby
I’m a liability

and at the end of the day
we’re so far off each others pages
that it’s hard to believe
we were ever on the same one